You always shout at me to wake up
And you scold me for the stupidest things.
You always need money
And you never fail to mention how much your body hurts
You always tell me shut up
To not answer back even if you're being ridiculous.
It's so unreasonable sometimes
It's so annoying
I always love you
I just do:
You can't do it.
You owe it to the fandoms, to these idols and singers who brought you happiness when, for some reason, nothing else did.
You owe it to your dogs, these pure and noble creatures who gave you love so much more than you ever gave them.
You owe it to the friends you keep on encouraging, so at least they don't end up listening to the words of a hypocrite.
You owe it to the people at home, whom you never gave a chance to explain, and ended up disliking because of the involuntary love they cursed you with.
You owe it to her, the one who raised you and won't stop nagging you, all the while missing her real family who are more than a few hours away.
You can't die yet because one day you won't be a coward anymore, and you have to allow yourself to see that day.
One day, I won't shrink away from responsibility anymore. It'll come naturally to me because I'll want to be responsible; because then I'll be an adult.
This sense of guilt over words said and unsaid will become unthinkable. Because I'll be able to let go easily. Because then, the past will only be something to learn from, not something to hold onto.
A forced smile will only show up in cameras. My smile will still be awkward, but blooming in candid shots.
I'll surround myself with friends I am not scared to offend. They'll be the exact same ones I have today. But this time, I won't hold myself back anymore. I'll say anything and everything, then apologize and laugh later.
A time will come when I won't be scared of criticism. I won't interpret every single comment to be negative anymore. I'll be able to accept them as if they were for other people - opinions that could be wrong, or matters of fact not meant to offend at all.
I will not take offense in the word "strong" anymore, because then, they won't be misinterpreting me. I will grow and become strong, just like the people I admire.
I won't hold myself inferior to the ones I love. This thought that because they are such good people, so I can't possibly be the same way - one day, this will disappear.
I'll be able to see that my unexplainable sense of unworthiness is truly absurd, because it doesn't even fall in line with my personal belief that everyone is worthy of good things. Why should I be exempt from that?
I will be mature. And I won't hold it against myself that I wasn't - that today, I am not.
One day I won't hate myself anymore, because despite everything I say out loud to convince myself otherwise, I can't love myself the way I love others.