Thursday, July 10, 2014

A Jonathan Morgenstern Fan Fiction

A Letter to My Beloved Red

These are the few moments
When the heaviness of my veins do not drag me down.
Similar to that time when my Twin broke free of his chains,
These seconds,
These are mine.

Born a human,
And raised a demon.
I was never given a choice.
Choice is for the weak and pained.
Choice is for Heaven's creatures,
And the whole world knows 
I am an Angel of Hell.

I saw that letter that my father wrote.
A Letter to My Beloved,
It said.
In moments of my true awareness,
I shall do the same.

To you who hath red hair
And red blood and veins.
To you who wore red rage in your eyes,
And whose passion ran deeper than the rivers of an angel's blood.
I write to you.

It is so strange,
That for all the blood we share,
We are completely different - 
Mine tainted,
And yours...
Not necessarily.
But you carry with you Heaven's vengeance - 
Vengeance that I've been seeking all my life.
I want it all to end,
But these shackles,
They restrain me.
Who am I?

It seems we Morgenstern men,
Are continuously enraptured by you Fairchild women.
I seek the love that my father once attained,
From your mother -
She whose eyes blaze with hatred and sorrow,
She who finds me in the eyes of a demon.
She whose love is lost,
Lost in the dessert lands of what-if's and whatnots.

I wonder,
If I was normal,
Would I love her?
Even right now,
I cannot imagine.
But you,
Sister mine,
I love
Truly and dearest.

Even when you couldn't stand me,
I sought you.
Each time asking for forgiveness - 
A concept my Other does not understand.
Or maybe he did,
Because for all his callousness,
He submitted to my will
And found you - 
Again and again.

Because you I could not forsake,
The same way my mother and father did to me.
I forgive them -
Sometimes and rarely,
But I do.
Because this self,
This true self, 
Understands them.
But you,
I could not leave to have the same fate.
I needed you by my side 
To look after. 
Even my Other understands that.

I am sorry for what he does not,
He thought of love only in the most corrupted way - 
Only when I think of this, 
Do I truly feel more trapped by guilt than blood - 
Because the weight of evil does not compare
To what I could have done to you.

My Twin,
He saw me.
He said,
"Even in your dreams, 
You are not compassionless."
Can I hope that it's true?
That maybe I am still out there?
Or inside my Other?

I hate myself -
I hope to have no soul,
To have no chance at redemption.

But even this hated self,
Needed and loved you,
Sister mine.
I needed you by my side,
But you did not see.
You Fairchild women,
Are always disappointed by us Morgensterns.
I'm sorry.

But I guess during that time when you stabbed me,
And after I got over the hurt and the betrayal,
I was set free,
Of this oozing black liquid in my soul.
Our mother hugged me
And called me Jonathan.
And you looked at me...
With hatred,
And possible forgiveness.
Never had I wanted it so bad.

I dreamed of the lands where I was with you,
And maybe the Other only saw the demon lands,
But I,
I saw us in a normal house,
Happy and laughing.
Little Sister mine,
I hoped to be your brother.
I could only be your enemy.

How I wished I was born with green eyes like yours,
Because then we'd have a link,
Besides our opposite bloods.

A tear is shed.
It is a tear for times lost,
And unsaid promises broken.
In those dreams,
I promised you the world and the stars,
And to protect you and to cherish you
And to never let any harm come your way.
Yet the Other only saw the demon world without stars,
Protection without cherishing,
And was the harm that came your way.

The tears left no marks
This is a dream after all - 
A dream after my death.
Maybe this letter will not reach you.
But I guess there's redemption for me after all.

*This is a poem fanfic of Cassandra Clare's The Mortal Instruments. This is regarding Sebastian Morgenstern and his sister Clary Fairchild. Needless to say, I love this character. I had hoped more chance could have been given to him, but I guess that would only make more complications.
*This post can be said to be a sequel to an earlier short fanfic, A Letter to My Beloved by Valentine Morgenstern.  

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