A Letter to My Beloved
Maybe if I was more patient
And the world less cruel,
I could've survived without cutting my heart out
And damning my soul.
The only one I ever loved,
Let go of my hand.
Through the countless times that she stuck by me
I honestly thought it would be an endless loop.
I thought at the end,
She'd be there for me all the same.
Then, I could atone for the murder of our children.
Then, she could see what I see.
Then, she'd love what I love because I love what she does.
I thought we had forever,
But forever was gone too fast.
She was gone.
And I was alone -
Alone with all my plans.
I could not be with nothing.
I had to continue,
So that she could see! -
See what everything was for.
This is for the world.
This is for her -
This had to be worth it.
Murdering my blood,
Darkening the soul of my flesh,
Because I knew most of all,
That blood is not family.
Who was different most of all from me,
She was my family -
The closest to my heart.
I hoped you knew.
But you didn't.
In the end all you see in my eyes are cruelty and hunger.
And you never got to see me,
In all my pride and aspirations,
Crumble down at night,
Because you no longer were by my side.
In the end,
I had killed my child -
That one true child I ever loved.
I wept for him,
With all my heart, I did.
The same way I wept for you,
When I did not kill you the same way,
But you left me all the same.
What was the difference then?
If you'd all leave me anyway?
Better to spend my life,
Bettering this damned world.
When the Angel we loved cared for us no more -
Not at all.
When my own son would look at me,
With black unfeeling eyes.
He had looked for recognition yes,
And sometimes I wanted to give it to him -
But he was not my son, no.
He was my fault and burden to bear.
My daughter who was so much like you -
Whom I could not love, because all my love was for you.
Maybe I hated her,
Because she was you but not you,
My heart finally found the capacity to hate you for leaving.
Or maybe it was because,
Her eyes filled with hatred more than yours ever could -
How could someone so much like you,
Be so flawed?
Because the picture of perfection was you, Jocelyn.
And so during that time when I mourned my loss,
And I was struck down by the hand of Heaven's hell,
I knew that it was not our daughter who killed me,
And maybe you thought it was mercy.
That's good enough.
I thought you'd hold my hand forever,
But my forever was never enough to match yours.
As the heavenly fire consumed me,
I still hoped you were there.
To my beautiful Fairy,
I love you.
With all of my broken heart,
*This is a poem-style fan fic of Cassandra Clare's The Mortal Instruments (City of Glass). I've always loved Valentine and found his character quite tragic. If only there was love great enough to heal a broken soul, he could've found the light. But in the end, no one tried. And maybe it was righteous for it to be that way, since he killed so many, but I can't help but think, if only someone could've shown him...