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Friday, August 15, 2014

Clown

That big red afro,
Bright cherry lipstick,
Ghastly white powder.
I wore my costume.
My feet feel doomed.
But I try and try anyway,
To look as happy as can be.

'Cause everyone's colorful,
But I'm black and white.
I'm that one mime -
Emotional and mimicking,
Whose only happiness was talking.
But I try and try anyway,
To look as happy as can be.

So I talk and talk and talk,
And one by one I wore,
These heavy ornamental glamour.
The bright red lipstick was first,
And slowly of real blood I thirst.
But I try and try anyway,
To look as happy as can be.

It formed a big big smile,
On top of my lips.
So when I laugh or frown,
I could not distinguish.
What is this?
But I try, or tried anyway,
To look as happy as can be.

The costume was thick and heavy,
Weighing me down with each step.
I was in a maze,
One with no map.
In my own clothes I was trapped.
I wonder if I really tried anyway,
To look as happy as can be.

Clowns were beloved,
They made people smile.
To be a clown was what I wanted
But then they could not see,
That the clown was not me.
Maybe I should've tried anyway,
To look as happy as can be.

It was a struggle to be real,
To keep the mask on but be me.
Then I sank into the mask.
But the mask was she,
And I was me.
Do I still try anyway,
To look as happy as can be?

Tug at the left,
Tug at the right,
I wonder if this is how a smile looks like.
My heart is breaking.
This suit is stifling.
How do I try anyway,
To look as happy as can be?

Monday, August 11, 2014

Writing: Want or Need?



School has started a few days ago, right after enrollment.

If you have any idea how horrible UP enrollment is... You don't. Try it. I was actually one of the lucky ones because I finished before school even started. In UP culture, it's normal to start your school year without having finished your enrollment process.

Anyways, what's done is done, and all 18 units have been enrolled. Thank God.

(Also, a friend of mine who was unfamiliar with the UP system commented on the fact that 18 units was too few. I was thinking about it, and no, UP isn't chill. It's just different, I guess. The same way in which ADMU and DLSU will never have the same teaching style.)

I have a feeling that this'll be an interesting sem. This school year, I'm determined to pull my grades up because I was too lax during my first year. (I maximized and sometimes even exceeded all my allowable cuts. I'm not proud of it.)

For this semester, I got Psych 101 and PolSci 14. Both teachers look awesome, and to be honest, since I never really felt like I was studying during my first year (plus that four-month long break. ugh), I'm really looking forward to studying. Another heavy subject is Philo 12. I am not looking forward to that. This coming Tuesday will decide whether or not I'll push through with the subject.

Besides those, a subject I'm really excited about is CW 10 (Creative Writing for Beginners) because if it isn't obvious, I write. Haha.

My teacher is Ma'am Pasion-Flores and I have to admit the class's first meeting was great. She had this whole no-bullshit attitude but was strict and friendly at the same time. She had this smile on the entire time, but you didn't really know (and I still don't) if it was a happy smile or a threatening one. So complex. I love it.

Oh right. She's a lawyer and a writer at the same time. How awesome is that? It's my current (unreachable) dream career path and she's just there - showing me that it's possible. Gah. The class was kinda intimidating too because it felt like everyone was such a good writer.

More on that next time. What I wanted to write about today was about one of Ma'am's assigned readings: Letter to a Young Poet I by RM Rilke.

For some reason, I got curious and read it first. Now here I am - sitting; writing. You've got to admit the letter did its job well.