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Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Semicolon.

You can't do it.
You owe it to the fandoms, to these idols and singers who brought you happiness when, for some reason, nothing else did.
You owe it to your dogs, these pure and noble creatures who gave you love so much more than you ever gave them.
You owe it to the friends you keep on encouraging, so at least they don't end up listening to the words of a hypocrite.
You owe it to the people at home, whom you never gave a chance to explain, and ended up disliking because of the involuntary love they cursed you with.
You owe it to her, the one who raised you and won't stop nagging you, all the while missing her real family who are more than a few hours away.
You can't die yet because one day you won't be a coward anymore, and you have to allow yourself to see that day.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Reminder

I can't wait to grow up.

One day, I won't shrink away from responsibility anymore. It'll come naturally to me because I'll want to be responsible; because then I'll be an adult.
This sense of guilt over words said and unsaid will become unthinkable. Because I'll be able to let go easily. Because then, the past will only be something to learn from, not something to hold onto.
A forced smile will only show up in cameras. My smile will still be awkward, but blooming in candid shots.
I'll surround myself with friends I am not scared to offend. They'll be the exact same ones I have today. But this time, I won't hold myself back anymore. I'll say anything and everything, then apologize and laugh later.
A time will come when I won't be scared of criticism. I won't interpret every single comment to be negative anymore. I'll be able to accept them as if they were for other people - opinions that could be wrong, or matters of fact not meant to offend at all.
I will not take offense in the word "strong" anymore, because then, they won't be misinterpreting me. I will grow and become strong, just like the people I admire.
I won't hold myself inferior to the ones I love. This thought that because they are such good people, so I can't possibly be the same way - one day, this will disappear.
I'll be able to see that my unexplainable sense of unworthiness is truly absurd, because it doesn't even fall in line with my personal belief that everyone is worthy of good things. Why should I be exempt from that?
I will be mature. And I won't hold it against myself that I wasn't - that today, I am not.
One day I won't hate myself anymore, because despite everything I say out loud to convince myself otherwise, I can't love myself the way I love others.

Please, let me grow up soon.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Always different to everyone

Sometimes I wish I could be the same me to me to someone.

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How authentic is today's happiness
When tomorrow it'll all inevitably disappear?

An Hour of What

Three o'clock is the hour of the devil
Five o'clock is the hour of the light
But Here I am at four am
Lost in the abyss of the in-between,
         of nothingness, of the undefined.

What is it
In the early morning of the night
That wakes me
And drives me mad?
What is it
In the pain of the just woken
That numbs me
And makes me sad?

What is it
That when it ends
Leaves me forgetful
And lulls me back to sleep,
To dream
To wish
For a reality
That won't be there
In the woken eyes
Of this body -
Trapped in between
All
Who are
Unwilling,
Unthinking,
Uncaring?




Sunday, October 4, 2015

Best Friend

"I'm sorry I'm weird," that's what she told me. She texted me just a few minutes before she hurt herself, before she was admitted to the ICU and her parents took her away from me completely.

I didn't respond. That night I was watching this new episode of that week's favorite show. Shallow, isn't it? I wanted to though, but I was scared again - of giving her advice on how not to be like me. I should have. I should've told her that it was true, she was definitely weird. She smiled in a way that was different from everybody else. She watched these TV shows that didn't trend in twitter. She cried at comedies because she thought of all the laughter she didn't have in real life. She was smart, but she wasn't a geek. She was one of those who actively partook in statements against social issues. She was different, amazing, vibrant - all up until we became friends. I started to tease her about the little things. I guess it was all for fun at first, but thinking about it now, some things I said just because I was jealous. I was petty and a resentful - a typical teenager. That's about it though. That's the farthest I've ever gone. But sometimes you don't understand when it's too late. I also laughed at her when she told me she started getting these bouts of depression. Don't be silly, I said. It's just one of your "artsy moods". She bit her lower lip and stayed silent. I noticed that, but I didn't say anything. In my head, I thought that if I did, I would just be answering her call for attention. I wasn't about to take the bait. And then she slit her wrists.

Everyone in high school's weird, I should've told her. Everyone's always wary of everyone else. It's a culture of shaming. We shame anyone who's different - anyone who's worse off, and anyone who's better than us. We are all jealous, we are petty. But some people don't go through high school at all. Some people just go study, ignoring everyone in the classroom who attends high school. And those we definitely shame too. And we hate them for not caring. Most people graduate. Some not at all. And that's probably one of life's tragedies. Some don't graduate from being victims, from being bullies. Some don't graduate from being just "the popular girl", and some don't graduate from grades. High schoolers don't understand that these qualities they have in their teenage years are just the first few of those that'll start to define them. Some twist these imposing labels and define themselves with them, and they become nothing more, nothing less.

So now I'm begging you. Please graduate from being the victim. Don't let anyone step on you the way I did. Only then will I stop being a bully. Please disappear from my definition. And I'm definitely sorry I didn't fulfill mine to you.